My Dearest One

It was a usual day in April , the sky exceptionally bright with no traces of dark clouds hanging around, when you came into my life for the first time. I could still vividly recall that day, you tried to get my attention and I snubbed you. I was young and I did not particularly care. Though in silence I admire your cute ways. I thought that someday we'll gonna have all the time in this world. But I was wrong.

When we were in college ( you back in the province and I here in Manila ) I was really crazy about you. I felt free to write poems about you. Hoping that someday I could give them to you. At night , I couldn't sleep , your image kept flashing in my mind. At my bedside lies the picture of your image together with the softness of my pillow, the glister in your eyes could be seen at the fluorescent lamp of my room.

At first I thought it was merely infatuation I've felt towards you. But with every little changes one encounter in life, every thing seems to be affected and gradually the feeling grew deeper and it changed my life. I remember how I  wanted the days to fly so that I could see you and be with you. When I came back that summer, you smiled at me. There was a certain glow in your eyes and I mistook it for love. And so I thought that half the battle I won. Back in Manila, I nurtured that feeling, knowing that you love me too. I ignored those guys courting me. I was so sure of myself that I entertain no doubts. I was very much in love that I took for granted your feelings. You never really said that you loved me too. So I let the pretension go on, not knowing it was only masking my fears.

Thinking of it now, we never really shared anything. I only let the dreams go on, not noticing the swift passing of the years. After that meeting that summer, I never saw you again. I can't go on cheating myself, I have a world to which I must belong, a world of reality and not mere illusions. I never thought I was a quitter but I have to give you up. I let you go, though in the first place you were never mine. I just let life go on. I refused to think of you. I busied myself with so much activities, buried myself in books - studying and working like someone possessed. For a while I did not give a single thought about you. I was busy with Chemistry and Psychology.

I tired myself during the day so that at night I'm exhausted to even think of you. Somehow I succeeded, associating myself with other guys but the pretension later was too much for me to bear. I felt that being with them won't help me in anyway so I invested all my energies in my studies . I kept myself occupied, I took summer classes, I bought tons and tons of books, I watched movies - all these stuff to keep you away from my mind. I earned scholarships, people around me were all praises for my so-called achievements not knowing that inside me I was just compensating for my frustrations. I was too proud to accept my defeat. I was a good researcher but I never bothered to investigate the sudden change in you. I could not force myself to bend and let go of my ego. Perhaps I was even afraid of the truth.

In college,I've learned a lot. I was able to build confidence in me. It was a world I deserved, where I belong. I came back at San Carlos, confident I was free of you. But I was wrong , how fragile my defenses were. One look at you and everything came rushing back. I couldn't help looking at you. I felt like a high school girl again looking at my high school hero. I could not deceive myself this time. I have outgrown my childish wishes, my nagging fears but there was one thing that did not changed in me - I am still in love with you.

All these years, things rarely do change no matter how much we want them to be. The futility of things I've done throughout the years and all because of that someone I met that day in April. I asked a question and my books just stare back at me like neon lights at the empty shaded streets. Did I really lost the battle ? Am I not entitled to fight for a dream no matter how shattered ? Are you in your own self, a complete success, and I a total failure ?

I loved you so much that I thought you couldn't help loving me too. I could have love you forever if you only gave me half the chance. But I'm not giving up now. I kept this feeling for years and I guess I refused to let it go . Perhaps my tactics are all wrong.And I could still try.

After four long years, why do we have to meet again ? And I saw that sweet smiles and those eyes again, it kept me hoping once more. Will my renewed hope turn my dreams into reality now ?

I can only wait.......