Wanting

 I tried to escape from the hurt
by sleeping it off
but I wasn't able to sleep the whole night
my eyes were close but my thoughts 
      was very much awake
 four letters in a row and all unanswered
i don't want to confront you and make demands
it will mean forcing you to do something
      just to please my whims

I needed reassurance from you
after what my Dad did to you
I don't know what's going on in your mind
have you changed your mind,
     your heart perhaps ?

it's all

questionings
and as usual , unanswered by you
again , i have to wait for your time
waiting , it's a never ending process

as if nothing really change
it's still the same feelings of aloneness
there are many fears i have
     in my heart

that i can't even seem to settle
i don't know where to go to ask for help
i feel i can not count on you
i can't seem to face my own feelings
my fears are eating me up

am i being selfish
but i am only asking a little of your time
perhaps even just 15 minutes
for you to write a short missive

how can i be sure of your feelings
when i don't feel secured?
will i always be the one to take
      the initiative ?
to write that letter , make that phone call

i think it should be a two way street
busy?
i am also busy but  i go out of my way
    to have time for you

i tried to understand you
by making all sorts of rationalization
but after sometime
i can't anymore take it - the neglect

 i guess love isn't enough
if i would be feeling like this
we better cut off the relationship now
to save me from much heart

a wise old man once said
"unhappiness comes from unfulfilled expectations "
i just have to be contented that you
     once loved me too

i felt lost
and yet there was no way done
to clear the cobwebs in my mind ?
when you are always not available

you don't have to be here physically
 i tried to turn to you
but there was no response
why ?

in my heart , it will always be you
but i can intellectualize my feelings
i know i can not hide from the pain
but i really couldn't take anymore
          the neglect

i think i can't wait anymore for the time
you'll have time for me
but i am still happy
God gave me the chance to know your
      feelings for me

and i want you to be happy
even if that means leaving you
         alone with yourself

i needed your comforting words
and all i hear is a deafening silence
i can see the shadows in the dark
           dancing again
perhaps it is there, where they really belong

i want to be a part of your life
but i feel more like an ornament