for family , for work,
for Popsy , for Daniel,
for Cathy and Tin ,
for parents, for brothers and sisters,
for nieces and nephews ,
for Titas and cousins ,
for financial blessings , for food,
for clean water ,
for material possessions .
Thank you for everyday challenges ,
for blessings , for worries ,
for deadlines and assignments ,
for work and responsibilities ,
for fun and joy .
Thank you so much Lord for TODAY.... we love you with all our heart
My dearest ,
I bet you could feel Christmas presence down at the busy avenues , in the coolness of the morning breeze , with the Christmas carols being played on the radio and at the old Christmas tree at home . Remember Dad and Mom playing to be our Santa Claus ? And yet the city 's still filled with heartless and cold human beings . So sad got no special someone to whom I could offer even a stick of lollipops . But I had hated Christmas carols for with it comes loneliness just as I had hated you for the simple act of ignoring me .
I couldn't anymore bear the pain of keeping my precious love . Yes , it is You . Perhaps to you I mean nothing , not even a little dainty rosebud . Yet for me you're every touch of rain , the very eyes of sunshine . I know you never thought of noticing someone stupid like me for I can feel it penetrating the innermost part of my heart .
I often lie awake at night puzzled by the reality I can't be with you . Your memory haunts the very sense of myself. At first I thought it was merely infatuation I felt towards you but with every little changes we encounter in life , everything seems to be affected . It might not be love ( I'm not so sure ) yet what can you call this " old " feeling ? In my dreams could I only feel satisfaction for it could be the time I could be with you . And yet they'll remain lost thoughts , images and emotions all throughout a sleep.
You're very far from me and yet you can never leave me . Never , for at my bedside lies the picture of your vibrant image together with the softness of my pillows. The glister of your eyes could be seen at the fluorescent lamp of my room and with everything around me I could sense your mere presence.
I'm not really pessimistic but I'm utterly afraid that if I get near you , someone might already have locked you in her golden cage and you ... are free no more . How would you spend your Christmas night ? Perhaps you would be together and ME alone in the night's coldness , simply staring at the night sky and dreaming dreams .
During my sleepless nights , I feel so empty with no more songs to hum , no one to talk to about the sweet nothings of life , for the neon lights of the empty shaded streets just stare back at me . You never give a damn importance of my existence , remembering that old stuff made my being shiver . Someday I could imagine myself thinking barely of nothing, nights came and I would look back at the neon lights of the busy avenues and smiling I would feel the same shiver again.
Life is just like a lost dream . Why ? maybe because that would be the only way I could find fulfilment of my love . Please don't blame me I have my own weaknesses. Can I fight the odds of the world all by myself ? No one has a clear perspective of the future . Maybe just a shadow . Are you in your own self , a complete success and I , a total failure ?
Can't an individual love freely without any pain ? I thought I can love but no ...there is no joy nor peace and even love . If this is life , what's for me to do ? Just stare and build castles in the air . Where are you when I needed you the most so badly ? But oh , in love one must make sacrifices for with it success comes greater .
Is love really a burden in the heart ? that it makes you to feel so wasted and unwanted as if your inadequate to cope with the vital necessities of life ...that your the only one who could feel the pain deep inside, the loneliness that disintegrates your being , the shattered dreams and sleepless nights . And no one even shared the agony that dwells into your being . Is love that selfish ? I'm human and not so strong to resist your love . No matter how strong a man is , time comes that his natural human weakness prevails .
Why must some people suffer and still be uncapable ? Don't they deserve happiness and joys in life ? Why must I love you when you don't ? Why must the world be this much to bear ? Why ? Why can't I just suffer and still be lucky ? I'm puzzled by your actions and I tell you it made me think . Do you now have the same feelings towards me ? Have you finally open your eyes ? Will my sufferings end ? Oh life is full of unanswered questions but then things are still very much the same . You're still very unaware of my presence so I'm still here grasping in utter darkness of the bitter reality you set to upset my stupidness .
Yes perhaps I could never be a part of your world , your very own world away from the hang ups of life . I keep reaching for a love that I can't even touch nor hold . You made me lost in a world full of dummies . I was constant with my feelings towards you and yet you never had time to notice my stupidness . These fancy thoughts have been drowned in the fantasized world I had built but Love never gives up , a cliche but and yet I am still hoping for love someday . You are with me every night aspiring for a dream filled with your image , a dream for a night and perhaps forever . But for sure I can't go cheating myself I have a world to which I really belong, a world of reality and not mere illusions . Like the cliche "everything must come to an end " , the world I had with you is only made of illusionary visions and as it is only mere imagination , it therefore must end .
I wish I could write a poem or a verse for you this Christmas but my emotions are not anymore aroused by my feelings . The caressing wind , the dainty rosebud , the soothing music , the sweet smiles were more of a past experience rather than what reality brings along . I don't know but I couldn't anymore web words into dreams . I wish I really could but what would come out corny phrases as usual and I don't want to bore you . It's quite hard to make something tangible , I can't even express what I feel towards you besides defining love will be setting its limit as my love for you knows no limits .
I could have loved you forever but miss half the chance . I 'll remain to be a mistress of my own fears . As I wanted you to be mine , you drift farther that it was hard for me to be able to reach you . I really wanted you to be mine , just mine but I know you can never be mine .
Lollipops are sweeter when shared but ... let me be an unfamiliar person at an unfamiliar place together with an unfamiliar love.
P.S.
I hope you'll be able to understand that I'm young with immature dispositions and distorted values , as the content of this missive shows so if they'll be a sudden twist with reality ... I'll be waiting ...now and forever ...see you soon " in my dreams "
Still reading the book of Deepak Chopra , The Third Jesus and studying the 15 steps to God Consciousness and the next step is Ask and you will receive .
This is a promise from Jesus , and we have to rely on His Word that when we ask we will receive . And most of the time we just rely on ourselves and expect God to know our needs. So this time Jesus is asking us to Ask so we will receive . God wants us to be humble enough to ask God for our provisions .
Exercise :
Learn to ask in a new way , by expecting every wish to bring a response . Dr. Deepak is advising us to :
1. Express the desired outcome to yourself clearly.
2. Detach yourself from your request after you make it .
3. Take an understanding attitude to the outcome .
4. Be open to whatever response the universe gives back.
5. Know that there is always a response .
Sometimes the response is not in according with what we expect or want . Sometimes the response is even more that what we ask for . Are we happy when this happens ? Do we say thank you for the answer ?
What if the answer is no ? And because this is what is best for us . How do we respond to the situation ? Do we wait and stay in line for another chance for an answer to our prayer ?
God's way is mysterious as always and we sometimes wonder how do we handle the situation ? But always stay in faith and stay in line and keep hoping , keep praying .
Most important too is know what you want so you can ask for it and when you receive the answer to say thank you and be grateful for God's graces .
God bless us all .
So happy the other day talking to my Tita Leony , who is from the US thru Facebook Messenger video call, just telling everyday stories . Then afterwards Cathy , my daughter from Abu Dhabi , through his father's cellular phone , called up too . Just conversing about the Journal set for beginners that she bought for me from Shopee, that I was so happy with my haul for my art journals . The battery went dead so the conversations was cut off . So happy to hear Cathy's voice .
These ordinary conversations no matter how short or long gives you so much joy in our ordinary life . I am missing everyday conversations with people even at the office we are not encourage to talk to each other because the virus is still here .
Praying really hard that this corona virus disappears on the face of the Earth and we can go back to our normal lives interacting , talking , hugging , kissing or just being ourselves , always looking for the next touch .
There are moments in every life that are disruptive . Moving through life tasks can be crowded with difficulty and anxiety . Inner turmoil can be created that can make one feel disconnected and chaotic .
If you find yourself in that place , stop for a moment and just breathe deeply . Find that calm place even if you feel you grip upon it is tenuous . With each breathe you take see your hold on it becoming stronger until you are able to continue moving through the experience .
You did not incarnate to fail . You came to this place to prosper and grow. Each task before you was pre planned by you . Summon your inner most strength to accomplish the goal.
We realize that often it is most difficult to do that , however you are a strong energy with the ability to perform miracles from within .
Do not let yourself become hopeless . You do have the willpower to move through the drama.
Breathe.
Let your inner calm take charge.
Breathe.
Center your energy with the determination to accomplish the task .
By changing your chaos to calm ,you put all parties on notice that you are serious . The new mix will affect those around you . Those who would wish to partner with you in negativity will have to find someone else to exchange with.
You are no longer interested.
Breathe .
Find the calm within .
It's there .
