My Dearest

 My dearest ,

I bet you could feel Christmas presence down at the busy avenues , in the coolness of the morning breeze , with the Christmas carols being played on the radio and at the old Christmas tree at home . Remember Dad and Mom playing to be our Santa Claus ? And yet the city 's still filled with heartless and cold human beings . So sad got no special someone to whom I could offer even  a stick of lollipops . But I had hated Christmas carols for with it comes loneliness just as I had hated you for the simple act of ignoring me . 

I couldn't anymore bear the pain of keeping my precious love . Yes , it is You . Perhaps to you I mean nothing , not even a little dainty rosebud . Yet for me you're every touch of rain , the very eyes of sunshine . I know you never thought of noticing someone stupid like me for I can feel it penetrating the innermost part of my heart . 

I often lie awake at night puzzled by the reality I can't be with you . Your memory haunts the very sense of myself. At first I thought it was merely infatuation I felt towards you but with every little changes we encounter in life , everything seems to be affected . It might not be love ( I'm not so sure ) yet what can you call this " old " feeling ? In my dreams could I only feel satisfaction for it could be the time I could be with you . And yet they'll remain lost thoughts , images and emotions all throughout a sleep.

You're very far from me and yet you can never leave me . Never , for at my bedside lies the picture of your vibrant image together with the softness of my pillows. The glister of your eyes could be seen at the fluorescent lamp of my room and with everything around me I could sense your mere presence.  

I'm not really pessimistic but I'm utterly afraid  that if  I get near you , someone might already have locked you in her golden cage and you ... are free no more . How would you spend your Christmas night ? Perhaps you would be together and ME alone in the night's coldness , simply staring at the night sky and dreaming dreams . 

During my sleepless nights , I feel so empty with no more songs to hum , no one to talk to about the sweet nothings of life , for the neon lights of the empty shaded streets just stare back at me . You never give a damn importance of my existence , remembering that old stuff  made my being shiver . Someday I could imagine myself thinking barely of nothing, nights came and I would look back at the neon lights of the busy avenues and smiling I would feel the same shiver again.

Life is just like a lost dream . Why ? maybe because that would be the only way I could find fulfilment of my love . Please don't blame me I have my own weaknesses. Can I fight the odds of the world all by myself ? No one has a clear perspective of the future . Maybe just a shadow . Are you in your own self , a complete  success and I , a total failure ? 

Can't an individual love freely without any pain ? I thought I can love but no ...there is no joy nor peace and even love . If this is life , what's for me to do ? Just stare and build castles in the air . Where are you when I needed you the most so badly ? But oh , in love one must make sacrifices for with it success comes greater .

Is love really a burden in the heart ? that it makes you to feel so wasted and unwanted as if your inadequate to cope with the vital necessities of life ...that your the only one who could feel the pain deep inside, the loneliness that disintegrates your being , the shattered dreams and sleepless nights . And no one even shared the agony that dwells into your being . Is love that selfish ? I'm human and not so strong to resist your love . No matter how strong a man is , time comes that his natural human weakness prevails .

Why must some people suffer and still be uncapable ? Don't they deserve happiness and joys in life ? Why must I love you when you don't ? Why must the world be this much to bear ? Why ? Why can't I just suffer and still be lucky ? I'm puzzled by your actions and I tell you it made me think . Do you now have the same feelings towards me ? Have you finally open your eyes ? Will my sufferings end ? Oh life is full of unanswered questions but then things are still very much the same . You're still very unaware of my presence so I'm still here  grasping in utter darkness of the bitter reality you set to upset my stupidness .

Yes perhaps I could never be a part of your world , your very own world away from the hang ups of life  . I keep reaching for a love that I can't even touch nor hold . You made me lost in a  world full of dummies . I was constant with my feelings towards you and yet you never had time to notice my stupidness . These fancy thoughts  have been drowned in the fantasized world I had built but Love never gives up , a cliche but and yet I am still hoping for love someday . You are with me every night aspiring for a dream filled with your image , a dream for a night and perhaps forever . But for sure I can't go cheating myself I have a world to which I really belong, a world of reality and not mere illusions .  Like the cliche "everything must come to an end " , the world I had with you is only made of illusionary visions and as it is only mere imagination , it therefore must end .

I wish I could write a poem or a verse for you this Christmas but my emotions are not anymore aroused by my feelings . The caressing wind , the dainty rosebud , the soothing music , the sweet smiles were more of a past experience rather than what reality brings along . I don't know but I couldn't anymore web words into dreams . I wish I really could but what would come out corny phrases as usual and I don't want to bore you . It's quite hard to make something tangible , I can't even express what I feel towards you besides defining love will be setting its limit as my love for you knows no limits .

I could have loved you forever but miss half the chance . I 'll remain to be a mistress of my own fears . As I wanted you to be mine , you drift farther that it was hard for me to be able to reach you . I really wanted you to be mine , just mine but I know you can never be mine .

Lollipops are sweeter when shared but ... let me be an unfamiliar person at an unfamiliar place together with an unfamiliar love.

P.S. 

I hope you'll be able to understand that I'm young with immature dispositions and distorted values , as the content  of this missive  shows so if they'll be a sudden twist with reality ... I'll be waiting ...now and forever ...see you soon " in my dreams "