For the meantime , I have to do with memories ... memories of the times we spent together ... beautiful moments of sharing life at its best . Do you still remember those moments ? There is so much to share .
I could still vividly recall the first time I saw you ...since then you started to affect my life ..and I was never the same again .During the first years , I was confident that somehow you feel the same way as I do. But the succeeding years made me feel bitter and rejected .
Your reactions brought confusion in me . At times you were responsive but most of the time you were passive and apathetic . I decided to move away at that time and I just concentrated my energies on my studies .
Till we meet again ...I nurtured again the old crazy feeling I had for you . Then the chance to work in your province but you decided to stay in the city . Still we had the chance to get to know each other despite the 66 kilometers distance . I guess love always find a way.
My illusions started to form realistic visions . I now could talk to you ...be with you. ..even for only short moments . At least that's better than having you in my fantasy land.
When I receive my appointment paper to work in your province , I was really happy . I assumed God has also answered my prayers regarding my desire to be close to you . Indeed a few months after that I received your proposal . God if I am dreaming , please don't wake me up .I lived too long in dreams that I could not anymore distinguish which is real , and which is not .
I was suspicious at the start , I might be more of a challenge to you and nothing else . But when you told me that unless I'll trust you and give you the chance to prove your words , I will never know . So I took the risk ...we had so many trials in our relationship and yet you never gave up on me .
I am impulsive , whenever I am upset , I make hasty decisions . Yet you conquer that weak point in me . You manage to convince and encourage me to go on and try again . Your one kind of a book , of which I never stop to learn .
There are always new things I learn from you about how to handle life . You possess one important thing , which my collection of books does not have ...CONCERN... your unconditional love has given me renewed strength. Most people after being subjected to emotional hurt would usually give up on their relationship without trying to patch things up first .
Human nature is so fragile at times but you negate such reality . Basically you have trust on human nature . You have trust on me . At time I became careless and be overcome by my ever changing moods . Still you wouldn't lose faith in me. You believe I can bounce back whenever I fall . You help me move on . This is all because of your unconditional love .
I don't have to work hard to make you love me . You've taken me as I am. You have love me with my positive and negative qualities . It is such a nice and great feeling when you can simply be free to be you . No masks and pretensions . It is only now that I really understand what real love is .
Love at first sight ? That's what I felt when I first saw you . First love ? Because it never dies ... never gets tired . I have never really known the real meaning of love till I met you .
Love never gives up? Another cliche but I guess true with us because we manage to overcome all the crises we had . We have giving up points but those times had made us closer to one another .
My first love ...I will always treasure in my life . You gave directions and inspiration in my once bare and confusing existence . I have committed mistakes along the way , specially during the long years of waiting before you finally came into my life . But they only prove how much I have crave for your existence .
That is why even if you are already a part of my life , I still have fears and doubts . I am afraid of losing you . I wouldn't know what to do .Simply because no one could ever take your place in my heart . I had crushes then but they were only temporary , simple flings . Because at night , it is your vibrant image I would dream of .
I have done everything just to forget you but I could not . I have tried to fall in love but it was lifeless ... because in my heart lies your image . Carbon copies are poor copies , anyway. The original is still the best .
I have made myself busy with activities but even in my exhaustion I would call on your name. I tried to hide from reality but the more I get hurt . Only you can stop me from loving you . If such thing will make you happy . I will be willing to do it no matter how painful that will be for me . You know it is so tempting to make you a prisoner of my love but knowing that such kind of love could be suffocating , I spare you the glass cage existence . I gave you the freedom to be yourself , of what you want yourself to be . As much as possible . I don't want to be a block in your own growth as a human person . Though at times I would insist to have my way in terms of values which are non-negotiable for me .
You are free not to follow my way . Take for instance , working overseas to earn dollars . You know very well I have little belief on money as a measure of success and happiness. Even this point in time , if you would still pursue your goals , you may anytime . But that would mean cancelling off our plans .while you are away . My only fear is success oftentimes change a person's perspective and attitude .
Life without you is dull , flat and simply empty . I remember when I was in Baguio for our annual retreat . I have look forward going there ever since but when I was there , I could not really appreciate the beauty that was before my eyes , I was wishing to be with you since it was your birthday . That's why that night when I had the chance I readily place a long distance call .
During weekends , I would count the number of days and hours till it's Sunday . And I would go crazy at night coping up to keep you away from my mind because for sure i'll feel "homesick " The moment I feel that way , i"ll be depress of the situation ...the 66 kms distance ...
Sometimes during my depression, I would just look for another love who belong to my sphere of reality . But when I see you personally all my lonely feelings would disappear in thin air . No matter how plain the surroundings were , with your presence it becomes a paradise , a sight of beauty . Even in the silence of our togetherness I could still feel the essence of love.
As what an author once said , even if we are not speaking , we are still sending messages by way of our body language . Silence , I guess , is needed for intimacies because you are given the chance to see things which you don't see when you are busy talking .
Anyway , communication is not just verbal , it also involves non-verbal techniques . As if I could not anymore live without you . I felt so weak and fragile because of that realization ...that I could not exist without you . So I tried coping up by pretending I could be strong and manage on my own .
I was only making a fool of myself because eventually you caught me in my pretensions , I was afraid that if you come to know how important you are in my life , you'll take advantage of it . For sure , that will make me helpless . I don't want to be a slave , who would just be following her master's order .
I was preoccupied but could still use reason , my head in my actions and decisions . I guess that kept me on safer grounds . Of course , it's a different story now . I have learn to rely on you ,,,making you part of my decision making process. I have learn to share my life with you . I now understand the meaning of oneness , of unity .
Books gives me a picture of what psychological union is . But experiencing it is an altogether different thing . It has given life to my theories . After reading a theory in a book , as if you understand it's implication. But you do not really until you breathe life into it .
Real learning takes place in the laboratory of life .
